Mothers Need to be Held in Order to Hold
“The becoming of a mother, now more commonly known as matresence is the most significant transformational shift a woman will go through in her lifetime - physically, emotionally and spiritually. When a baby is born, so is a mother and the time following birth, also known as postpartum, can be filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows. During this incredibly vulnerable time, I believe a woman deserves to be honoured, nurtured, nourished and empowered to mother in her own way.”
-Mazz Napier, The Bond Wellbeing
According to a recent survey, parents spent an average of $7k on baby and pregnancy related items before their kiddo was born, and upwards of $14k during their first year of birth (US stats) - while less than 10% of that amount was spent on postpartum care and support (1).
This is mind-blowing. Why don’t we think the mental health (physical and spiritual health too!) of mums is just as important as a fancy new Reds Baby pram or Snoo? Or is is simply that there is a societal expectation that women have been becoming mums for ever, so it’s just this normal easy thing? Whatever the reason, we need to look at postpartum differently.
Mums are tired. And they’re not coping. Nearly half (49%) of all mums report feeling burned out by motherhood (2), and a whopping 51% report they prioritise sleep over catching up with friends, and sex (3). Further, suicide accounts for up to 20% of postpartum deaths (4), and is thought to be the leading cause of maternal death in the US, Japan, UK and Ireland.
We prepare so much for birth, but not enough for what comes after.
In my own experience, I thought I was doing well. I had a freezer full of meals (as many as I could fit in). I did the hospital birthing course which covered a few things postpartum. I also did an expensive paid birthing course, which covered some postpartum. I did a mental health support group for PPD/A ‘at risk’ mums (which included 8 weeks of group therapy and coaching preparation pre-natal, and another 8 weeks postnatal). I read (a lot!). I even had a doula who was amazing and came in very handy during a birth that suddenly went high risk.
But nothing prepared me for just how much help I needed when my precious wee one arrived. I had pretty bad (and pretty immediate) postpartum depression and anxiety, and had so much wonderful help provided in both the hospital and Tresillian. I remember literally calling the Australian Breastfeeding help line the first night home from the hospital because babe wouldn’t stop crying and I just had no idea what to do. I called them lots after as well. Brilliant!
But a NICU baby with reflux is a lot. And with no grandparents or family down the road to help, I realised quick smart what exactly the VILLAGE that everyone talks about does and why it’s needed. Because you can do all the prep. You can read all the books. You can call all the helplines. But a village is different. Someone to hold the baby while you have a shower is priceless. Someone to prepare lunch while you breastfeed is amazing. Someone to let you know that it feels hard because it is hard, while just hugging you, is vital.
Honestly, the solution is actually much bigger than just you or me.
We need to normalise prioritising postpartum care and support, and to promote healthier and more sustainable approaches to parenthood that benefits both the mother and child (Atlas of Motherhood). Some cultures take the golden month (as I talked about on the blog recently) or first 6 weeks of postpartum care so seriously - and it’s reflected in government support. Other cultures have done it for centuries so community pitches in and the new family unit is held. In ‘modern’ Western cultures, we tend to have lost this a bit., and it’s up to individuals to put the support in place.
See the following Postpartum Circle of Support by Phlox Postpartum - of which it’s suggested to have at least 2 from every pillar of support:
What do you think? How did your birth stack up against this? In hindsight, I’d have paid more attention to investing in a postpartum doula as well, because that is when the wheels fell off for me. It’s a very privileged position to take, but if $$ was no object, what would have made the difference for you?
Ok mamas, now that we know this… pay it forward. - Can you help out a new mum friend by dropping over a coffee or letting them know you’ll come over to cook up a dinner? - Can you refer a new mum friend to someone who could help?
And finally, we KNOW motherhood and postpartum is a hell of a ride. So let’s talk about it. Let’s make it common discourse. Let’s share it with new mums and mums to be - and that we’re here to support them. That they’re not alone. That they’re doing great.
Mums are f&*king amazing, but help is never a bad thing. If you know a new mum around the Inner West and Newtown or Bondi, be sure to send them my way - let’s get that support happening!
With love,Stella x
Sources:
4. 2020Mom.org
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